Archive for the 'Rage' Category

29
Sep
10

What’s Wrong with These Foreigners?! – Part I

So there I was prancing about in the Inter Web, which we all know, is a series of tubes transported by large dump trucks dumping God knows what to God knows where.  Thanks to the late former Senator Stevens, I now know my way around the Web like the backs of my hairy fists.  And here I was I run into something that I found to be extremely disturbing in that 4th dimensional sense.

Did you know that Windows 7 was marketed in Japan using an anthropomorphic Windows 7 character?  I mean what is wrong with these foreigners?!  Here in the good old New World, we like our Windows completely sanitized and devoid of any humanoid depictions of such inhuman product as the Windows Operating System courtesy of the Microsoft Corporation which is definitely not funding this particular article nor contributing anything to my barren pockets.

In fact, this past year when Windows 7 was released in Japan, a “special” Windows 7 was available ONLY IN JAPAN with the addition of themes and sounds of a character named Nanami Madobe.  Apparently, and I only know this because someone told me so, “nana” in Japanese means seven!  And of course, this particular character had a voice to go with it too.  The voice actress behind this abomination was none other than Nana Mizuki, supposedly popular voice actress and an accomplished singer, so I hear.  Did you notice the “nana” in her name too?  I was gasping for air with all this conspiracy whirling about me and by these extremely foreign acts by a bunch of foreigners in their foreign land with their strange foreign customs.

Here is a witness depiction of this abomination.

Nanami Madobe. The cat is probably included in the foreign version of Windows 7.

I was more than relieved when I convinced myself that because almost a year had passed since the abomination’s birth, there would be little to no effect to the rest of the cultured and decent worlds.  UNTIL… I found out about THIS!

Microsoft Corporation’s rival to the Adobe Flash software has a glitzy ring to it, so called Silverlight.  You may have noticed, if you are an owner of a Windows installed computer, that Silverlight loves updating itself almost as much as your outdated antivirus software telling you that you will lose your job and family if you do not renew subscription right now.  In fact the only reason I recognized the name was because it happened to be updating itself as we speak.

Okay, back to the subject.  My rage begins here.  So a bunch of foreigners in Taiwan apparently thought it appropriate to create an anthromorphic Silverlight to market it.  I mean, “what?!”  After finally closing my eyes to the the plights of Windows 7 in Japan I see screams of character marketing in another Asian nation.  The profanity that this implies is devastating.  So, instead of relying on the extremely vague and what appears to me like a deformed mobius strip, Microsoft in Taiwan opted for a 2D depiction of a harlot codenamed Hikaru prostituting herself to the general masses to bring tainted market share from the Adobe Flash users.

Harlot depicted below.

Hikaru. Note: Above depiction was constructed during an extreme rage and thus the placement of the head is unintentional.

So, the question lingers… What’s wrong with these foreigners?!  The answer to which, if I were able to answer it, I feel is best left and perhaps buried in a pile of mud to be preserved as fossilized remains to be dug up by some future denizen a million years from now to learn from our foreigners’ erring ways.

19
Dec
09

Code Geass: Why Code Geass is Educational.

Code Geass: Rebellion of Lelouch

Code Geass (see here), for those of benefactors that may not know, is an animation series from Japan (see here).  Often classified as a mecha-action-drama by some.

However, Code Geass holds a special place for me in my heart.  I believe it should be used in the classrooms in the United States, mainly for social studies classes in high schools.

This may sound bizarre and I assure you my masters, it is.  Code Geass is EDUCATIONAL!

Get edumacated! Author: Yes your highness...

Code Geass is one of those animes that covers a lot of the things that one needs to learn about in the world.

If I were to go into detail this article will take forever and as you know this will take too much work for me, your humble writer.   So, to put it succinctly, here is a list of things that you can learn about or is referenced in the Code Geass series.

===============

SOCIAL SCIENCE

-GOVERNMENT-

  • Forms of government (empire, constitutional monarchy, representative democracy, colony, single multi-state government (some people think U.N. is one))
  • Line of succession (see line of succession)
  • Political assassination and the scary “cides” (Regicide/Fratricide/Genocide (yes, even this too))
  • Rebellion/Insurgency/Terrorism
  • War (strategy vs. tactic) – see The Art of War
  • Electoral process (see representative democracy)
  • Public executions
  • Citizenship (naturalization and by birth)

-ECONOMICS-

  • Poverty
  • Caste system (aristocracy, etc.)
  • Social Darwinism (see social darwinism)
  • Commercialism (shopping malls, cell phones, Pizza Hut.  Having been in the ad business in my previous employment this really fascinates me)
  • Mass media (state-controlled)

-HISTORY-

  • Everything before 1500-ish (because anything mentioned after that is the universe that Code Geass is set in)
  • Geography (accurate world geography with different borders)

-MISC-

  • Religion (the occult, in this case)
  • Racism and reverse-racism
  • High school education (an anime with a high school?!)

===============

HEALTH

-SEX EDUCATION-

  • Homosexuality (both male/male and female/female)
  • Masturbation (female)
  • One-sided love (I’m shocked too, I know)
  • S&M (just look at C.C.’s outfit)
  • Incest (multiple occasions)

-D.A.R.E.-

  • Drug abuse/Drug trafficking (Just say no to Refrain)
  • Deaths (suicides and malicious kinds)

===============

NATURAL SCIENCE

-NATURAL SCIENCE-

  • Psychology (a good anime always cover this topic but…)
  • Futurism (see futurism)
  • Energy crisis (sort of)
  • Pseudo-science (e.g. ESP, etc.)

-COMMERCIAL TECHNOLOGY-

  • Ejection seats, air bags
  • Monorail/public transportation systems
  • Robotics (it’s an anime, it has mecha, nuff said)
  • Cell phones (I know it’s mentioned but I do like the ones featured here.  Can’t beat the ones from Macross Frontier though)

===============

CREATIVE ARTS

-ARTS & CRAFTS-

  • Portraits (royalties, mainly)
  • Architecture (classical and neo-classical… I think)
  • Landscapes (impressionism, I think)
  • Cosplay (yes, I think it’s art)

===============

I believe there are many more things one can learn from this anime.  We should promote a forced viewing of the 2 seasons of Code Geass to everyone in high school.

Despite my utter hatred for Lelouch the Douche, I believe that allowing the youths of America to be exposed to such compendium ofknowledge will ultimately benefit us in the long run.  Long live Emperor Ledouche!

26
Oct
09

On Why We Should Use a Word Processor before Posting our Blogs.

I have just lost 3 paragraphs worth of original writing while working on the part II of my epic trilogy of an article about Don Quixote.  Let us just say that it involved the Back button on my Web browser and the quick thinking and automatically updating nature of WordPress’s awesome awesome AWESOME user interface…

Grr…  My statement is not paid for by WordPress…

21
Oct
09

On my partner’s escape from Azkaban

It has come to my attention that my partner in crime, whom I shall refer to by his nom de guerre as Guy de Maupassant Blanka, triumphantly returned while I was away fishing off the harbors of Tahiti.  A truly harrowing tale it seemed.

But the way he fought off the demons of yesteryear via Googling and Youtube videos was truly an amazing feat.  Despite his apparent victory and return, welcome was not so forgiving as the door to our office was locked when he arrived and I had the key.  To you, Blanka, my friend, I apologize for being a rudimentary dickhead nice person.  I just felt that you were dead for sure and that I had no need to leave the keys under the welcome mat (which I also took with me since I did not feel the need for one.)

If this is any consolation, I have brought with me some paintings by Gauguin which he inexplicably hid underneath the sands of Tahiti.  Can you guess what the painting is of?  Let me just say one word, paint Gauguin.

Your humble writer’s note: Azkaban is not a prison located in the Middle East.  It has no relation to any of current conflicts abroad or domestic.  It is not located in Guantanamo Bay, but rather, a fictional locale masterminded by an uncertain individual of the female orientation from the British Isle.  Uncomma has no relation to the said individual or any individuals of interest with the individual’s intellectual property or properties.  Uncomma was not paid in any way by the individual for any promotional affair relating to the mentioned individual of British citizenship.

05
Sep
09

Ikea and New York Times go at it.

Thousands of citizens gathered in protest recently over an outrage caused by Ikea.  A throng, led by an apparent reporter for the New York Times, trashed every branch of Ikea over a recently released catalog.

The unsightly catalog deviated so much from the original for the world-wide Ikea fans that it was nearly undecipherable.  When asked about the new change one protester exclaimed, “This is an outrage!  I feel like I had my heart gouged out by a 100-ton behemoth called Ikea from Sweden.”  The same protester shouted further obscenities then began to scream, “Go home Ikea!  USA!  USA!”  This humble writer would sadly like to admit that the said protester was myself for the reason of lack of actual available interviewees.

However, here’s the actual misdeed committed by Ikea.  Article here.

So, folks, say good bye to dear Futura and say hello to Verdana.  This is a clear sign that Ikea will soon be overtaken by Microsoft’s mighty might and that future awesome movies will also be following the mighty epic lord nameth Verdana.  Your humble writer would like to emphasize that however tortured I may be I shall never deviate myself from this plight and will always continue using Wingding when typing my articles.

I believe that the lesson we should all take with us is that whether one uses font A or font B or the Chopstick font mentioned from one of my earlier posts, you will only be severely punished by God if you switch to Verdana from Futura.  Just imagine…  the horrors we might have to face in the near futura.

03
Sep
09

This is what I actually do with my time.

Just an fyi to the audience coming from your humble writer, I’m currently studying for the LSAT’s.  Of course, what culminates from this is utter boredom and pure misery.  The outcome is this picture which I drew for no apparent raisin.

Fuura Kafuka

Fuura Kafuka

I can’t draw, so her eyes are a bit off.

However, since she is supposed to be super positive (in the anime which I shall not mention,) I’m sure she’ll understand.  I mean she is named after Franz Kafka for gosh sakes.

Don’t even ask me about the other images you see on this sheet of paper.

23
Aug
09

District 9 aka Peter Jackson’s King Kong 2: La Revue

My partner still has not returned from his trip into the jungles of Borneo so I will venture into the realm of the film industry yet again.  This time, I will quickly review a movie that I have actually watched in its entirety.  Please beg my partner to return as cinema is not my forte.

District9Random

I prepared myself prior to my free viewing of District 9.  In my wallet, I had stashed a coupon redeemable for a movie ticket at a local theatre.  In my head, I had prepped myself up with the rage that can only be filled with the expectation of yet another bad movie.  I kept thinking about Shia Labeof and badly rendered CGI animations in all movies made post-1990.  Even now I rage at the god-awful CGI work done for Clerks.  It makes me want to puke.

However, rage aside, I kept moving forward in queue.  As the end of the queue drew near, I felt a jolt of profound ecstasy.  I could see a gigantic poster of 2012 behind the ticket clerk.  I was thrilled.  I cannot wait to see 2012.  I love movies about the apocalypse or any movies that feature post-apocalyptic world.  Already, I knew I was going to hate and rage on District 9.

*enters theatre, buys a medium soda that was 25 cents cheaper than a large and 25 cents more expansive than a small, takes seat, watches movie, takes one bathroom break, finishes soda, finishes watching movie, takes second bathroom break, walks to car, drives home*

As I was saying, prior to watching District 9, I was prepared to rage at yet another badly done movie about aliens and explosions and explosions.  I was utterly distraught and rendered useless once I realized that the movie was … actually a good movie.  However, I will not disappoint the readers of this regular column.  I, your humble servant and writer feel the need to satiate your desire for me to punish the fiends that created this cinematic masterpiece and I take up my sword (or keyboard) in doing this AWEsome deed.

First of all, District 9 was the most horrendous piece of sparkling trash I have ever seen in my life.  It was like dropping Pop Rocks into my eyes and then hurling myself over the Golden Gate Bridge while I have military-trained snipers shooting at me when it was raining fire and brimstone.  I felt like Alex from A Clockwork Orange during his “rehabilitation.”  I felt like Two Face McGee from the Dark Knight when his face exploded.  I felt like Elaine in The Graduate when Ben took her to a strip club.  I felt like Anakin in Star Wars episodio tre when Obi-the traitor-wan betrays him and cuts him into pieces.  I felt enraged.

If you may, I, your humbler servant writer, shall list some of the issues I had with the movie.

1) The movie had aliens – movies with aliens will always suck.

2) The movie was made by Peter Jackson – Peter Jackson sucks.

3) For some odd reason, I had thought that this movie was based on a video game.  It is not.  Ergo it sucked.

4) Relationship between humans and aliens resembled way too close to reality (hint: the movie is set in South Africa) especially since it almost looked to be didactic to me.  It sucked.

5) ETC – I could name a thousand more but I shall stop here.

Your humble writer refuses to believe that I have actually seen this aberration.  I have nearly erased this fact from memory and thus can no longer recall any of the scenes of the movie.

Seriously though, if I wanted to see a movie with an interesting plot that carries through to the end while characters are fully developed and mixed with great sound/visual effects/cinematography/etc paired with on-par acting, I would live in France eating French fries and possibly doing a French kiss while drinking French wine and join the French Resistance against the Vichy government or maybe read a  bit of Sartre, call myself Guy-Jean, then throw myself over a bridge.  So, it saddens me that I was forced to watch this movie while not having to do any of the mentioned absurdities.

That was about it for District 9: the Review.  This is Jefe Tomas.  If I still do not hear from my partner from Borneo I will have to send out a search party.  If you happened to be named Henry Stanley, please drop me a line.  I have a job for you.