Archive for the 'Business' Category

29
Sep
10

What’s Wrong with These Foreigners?! – Part I

So there I was prancing about in the Inter Web, which we all know, is a series of tubes transported by large dump trucks dumping God knows what to God knows where.  Thanks to the late former Senator Stevens, I now know my way around the Web like the backs of my hairy fists.  And here I was I run into something that I found to be extremely disturbing in that 4th dimensional sense.

Did you know that Windows 7 was marketed in Japan using an anthropomorphic Windows 7 character?  I mean what is wrong with these foreigners?!  Here in the good old New World, we like our Windows completely sanitized and devoid of any humanoid depictions of such inhuman product as the Windows Operating System courtesy of the Microsoft Corporation which is definitely not funding this particular article nor contributing anything to my barren pockets.

In fact, this past year when Windows 7 was released in Japan, a “special” Windows 7 was available ONLY IN JAPAN with the addition of themes and sounds of a character named Nanami Madobe.  Apparently, and I only know this because someone told me so, “nana” in Japanese means seven!  And of course, this particular character had a voice to go with it too.  The voice actress behind this abomination was none other than Nana Mizuki, supposedly popular voice actress and an accomplished singer, so I hear.  Did you notice the “nana” in her name too?  I was gasping for air with all this conspiracy whirling about me and by these extremely foreign acts by a bunch of foreigners in their foreign land with their strange foreign customs.

Here is a witness depiction of this abomination.

Nanami Madobe. The cat is probably included in the foreign version of Windows 7.

I was more than relieved when I convinced myself that because almost a year had passed since the abomination’s birth, there would be little to no effect to the rest of the cultured and decent worlds.  UNTIL… I found out about THIS!

Microsoft Corporation’s rival to the Adobe Flash software has a glitzy ring to it, so called Silverlight.  You may have noticed, if you are an owner of a Windows installed computer, that Silverlight loves updating itself almost as much as your outdated antivirus software telling you that you will lose your job and family if you do not renew subscription right now.  In fact the only reason I recognized the name was because it happened to be updating itself as we speak.

Okay, back to the subject.  My rage begins here.  So a bunch of foreigners in Taiwan apparently thought it appropriate to create an anthromorphic Silverlight to market it.  I mean, “what?!”  After finally closing my eyes to the the plights of Windows 7 in Japan I see screams of character marketing in another Asian nation.  The profanity that this implies is devastating.  So, instead of relying on the extremely vague and what appears to me like a deformed mobius strip, Microsoft in Taiwan opted for a 2D depiction of a harlot codenamed Hikaru prostituting herself to the general masses to bring tainted market share from the Adobe Flash users.

Harlot depicted below.

Hikaru. Note: Above depiction was constructed during an extreme rage and thus the placement of the head is unintentional.

So, the question lingers… What’s wrong with these foreigners?!  The answer to which, if I were able to answer it, I feel is best left and perhaps buried in a pile of mud to be preserved as fossilized remains to be dug up by some future denizen a million years from now to learn from our foreigners’ erring ways.

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13
Nov
09

To Tea or Not to Tea, That is a Chrysanthemum.

Once in many moons, I find something so intriguing that I must share it with the only ones that care for me, that’s you my dear readers and masters.

To cut to the chase, here is what I have to share.  I found this folded up tea instruction thingy in a bag of dried Chrysanthemum used for tea.  I do not know how the bag of tea came about.  Perhaps, it “folded” here during a trans-dimensional shift that happened to occur precisely at the time when the earth’s moon aligned with a certain polarity pole that I grafted into the middle of a tachyon-rich field here in marshy Floridian paradise.  Or perhaps, it got here by a custom order made by a certain individual desiring to read something really funny because there was just not enough Engrish in this world.

The so-called instruction manual were printed in four languages: Korean, English, Japanese, and Chinese (PRC, I think,) respectively.

To Tea or Not To Tea

To introduce this lame yet sincere posting, I start with a perfectly transcribed version below.  Here it goes:

———-

The methods of tea drinking

1. 10 circle degree(for 5 persons) is put in numerous work.

2. Over 100 temperature of hot water and wait for about 1 minute.

3. When the yellow colour comes out, and a flower blooms, I drink by a mug.

* For 5-6 times to drink The fragrance cuts it and goes out.

* Take the one flower and put in into the cup or tea caddy and can see a flower blooms

* The cool place where air connects well may be kept in a freezer.

———-

[Addendum Maximum]

Here is a poem I wrote based on the text of the instructions on how to brew tea:

Title: “I drank by a mug”

By: {possibly google translate or babblefish}

Ten circles.

Degree for five persons

I’s put in numerous work over hundred.

Of hot water and wait.

For about one minute

When the yellow colour comes out

A flower blooms,

I drank by a mug.

For five to six times

To drink the fragrance

Cuts it, and goes out.

Take the one flower

And put in…

Into the cup

Or tea caddy and can see.

A flower blooms.

The cool place where air connects well.

May be kept in a freezer.

05
Sep
09

Ikea and New York Times go at it.

Thousands of citizens gathered in protest recently over an outrage caused by Ikea.  A throng, led by an apparent reporter for the New York Times, trashed every branch of Ikea over a recently released catalog.

The unsightly catalog deviated so much from the original for the world-wide Ikea fans that it was nearly undecipherable.  When asked about the new change one protester exclaimed, “This is an outrage!  I feel like I had my heart gouged out by a 100-ton behemoth called Ikea from Sweden.”  The same protester shouted further obscenities then began to scream, “Go home Ikea!  USA!  USA!”  This humble writer would sadly like to admit that the said protester was myself for the reason of lack of actual available interviewees.

However, here’s the actual misdeed committed by Ikea.  Article here.

So, folks, say good bye to dear Futura and say hello to Verdana.  This is a clear sign that Ikea will soon be overtaken by Microsoft’s mighty might and that future awesome movies will also be following the mighty epic lord nameth Verdana.  Your humble writer would like to emphasize that however tortured I may be I shall never deviate myself from this plight and will always continue using Wingding when typing my articles.

I believe that the lesson we should all take with us is that whether one uses font A or font B or the Chopstick font mentioned from one of my earlier posts, you will only be severely punished by God if you switch to Verdana from Futura.  Just imagine…  the horrors we might have to face in the near futura.

04
Sep
09

I can’t think of a better way to celebrate Labor Day…

This Labor Day will be a blast.  Labor Day 2009!!! Woooh!!!  Highest unemployment rate in 26 years!!! Yeay!!!  I think we are gasping for joy at the awesome news we have today.  Not only have we come to the nadir of nadir in labor history but I cannot possibly consider a worse scenario than what is at the moment.  This, of course, means only one thing.  The worst of worst is finally over.  (This is where I pop open a champagne bottle.)  If Fuura Kafuka were here, (pretend the previous posting counts as her presence) she would state thus.  “There can’t possibly be so many people looking for work, that only happens on television.”  Yes, Fuura, such fantasy only exists in imaginary land where fairies dwell and trolls do the b-boy dance.

Happy Labor Day, everyone!

May your applications be accepted.

26
Aug
09

Phlorida, Paradise, and Paradox

Thus far, we’ve ventured through different regions in the United States, parts of Borneo, and some theatres.  However, we often overlook the finer things in life.  The very fine things that are both unique and paradoxical.  That or something so out of place that the order of the universe begins to collapse on itself.  Such was what I had witnessed and recorded for our readers.  I, your humble observer and slave, have ventured through the jungles of Florida and the bayous of Louisiana to bring you this exclusive.

Chopstick Font

Chopstick Font

This is what I call a “chopstick” font.  It is mainly used in Chinese restaurants although I have seen it used in some Vietnamese and Japanese restaurants.  In a lot of ways, it is a bit racist and patronizing for a font.  Of course, in terms of racism, you cannot beat the swastika font famously used by Hitler.  (It is rumored that the Russian forces decimated the printing presses in Germany during its invasion thus leaving no proof of the said font.)  However, it does seem somewhat fitting to be on a van for a karate school.  Does it not make you want to just go, “Hiiya!?”  Trust me, I do it every time I see the font anywhere.

Now, I thought that this was pretty close to a universal collapse but I was ready to be vaporized once I saw this.

That's right, folks.  Sushi-Thai

That's right, folks. Sushi-Thai

As you can see, I took this photo on my cellphone as I was praying to the gods above.  It is a restaurant chain exclusive to a city in Florida (of which I shall not name,) with a total of three locations.  Despite walking around town rest of the day opened-jawed and drooling uncontrollably, I was fortunate enough to recollect the day’s event to report of this near galactic catastrophe.  Of course, as we all know, the word sushi means fish in Japanese and the word Thai comes from Mue-Thai, a form of martial arts from Thailand.  To combine the two and serving Thai cuisine with Japanese sushi, sashimi, and rolls, I was on the verge of spontaneous combustion.  The clash of cultures in my mind was so great and vast that I blanked out.  When I came to, I was eating Red Curry with Beef with an order of Sushi Combination.  My palates felt as if it was tasting a nuclear blast at ground zero.  I could no longer function as a human being.

Looking back at the near calamity and how I came to when I returned home, I felt dizzy again only to wake up while typing this article.  Everything I type from here on, I do with the clarity of a bull.  Red bull, that is.

In our world, there exist many paradoxes but most likely they will not trigger a collision of paradoxical forces so great as to destroy the universe.  However, I would like to emphasize the importance and the need to be vigilant over such matters.  Our universe is precious and we should protect it with our lives along with the aid of the Department of Homeland Securities.  Times like this, if only we could have Dick Cheney to fight by our side…

12
Aug
09

I want to be that guy with the cell phone.

If you have ever picked up a business brochure, you have probably seen him.

NO! NOT HIM!

NO! NOT HIM!

Awesome

Awesome

See that guy?  I want to be that guy with the cell phone.  He is the prototypical male adonis.  Women want him and men want to be him.  Move over Austin Powers, here comes the man with the phone.

I first met him while I was working for —-, a telecommunications company.  Here he was blossoming in his own glory.  Smack dab on the cover of the brochure which held outdated and sometimes anachronistic revenue results, it was as if he were confiding to me about how awesome he was.  By having his image on the said brochure, it is inevitable that the company’s profitability will be as awesome.

He wears his slick black Italian suit as if he were ready to face Satan in a single handed battle in Armageddon.  His jet black hair adorns his charismatic yet youthful face like a tiara on Miss Universe.  His head is held up high staring at the sun because you know the sun does not faze him at all.  Rather, the sun is being overshadowed by his major awesomeness and glory.  And finally, the cell phone is his weapon, his comrade, his right hand man, which he carries with passion as if it were surgically attached limb.  And everyone knows that he is, at that moment, conversing with God on how he is THE MAN.

Such is the impact of this image.  Needless to say, someday archaeologists from the future will be digging up marble statues of this man.  Chiseled with infiinite detail and ever engrossing power that just communicates to the viewer of this man’s marvelous blob of charisma and what can only be described as bigger than infinity will leave an everlasting desire to be… that man… even in the distant future.

If you ever run into him in real life.  Be very careful and don’t forget to kneel immediately before his presence lest you just might be struck down by his awesomeness and lightning or whatever else he may wield along with his mighty cell phone.

To be continued?