Archive for September, 2009

23
Sep
09

A New Player Has Joined the Battle!

*receiving packets*

Tom Huxter?  Are you there?

Call me Blanka.

The Author as a Young Man (image may not be visually accurate)

The Author as a Young Man (image may not be visually accurate)

Those Borneo jungles sure do a number on a guy.  Baroque constructions of mahogany and vines bar the way in every direction.  That darkness, so oppressive you think you can hear it breathing just behind you.

At least leaves are pretty awesome, right?

It’s been 2 months since I entered this primordial labyrinth, and I had nearly given up hope of communication with the outside world.  Late last night, though, I stumbled into a ramshackle encampment, little more than a collection of hammocks strung up beneath the canopy.  Exhausted from hacking my way through the undergrowth and famished from two solid weeks of eating nothing but crunchy and terrifyingly ugly beetles, I collapsed into the soft embrace of an abandoned firepit and was overtaken by the night.

My dreams were strange ones.  I found myself in my childhood, attending a series of Memorial Day barbecues thrown by a series of increasingly unnatural beasts, each serving food more poorly prepared than the last.  When, finally, a subhuman Lizard-man handed me a hamburger that was little more than a cinder between two slices of charcoal, it was the last straw.  I awoke coughing up firepit ashes.

But this choking, dusty cloud brought with it a silver lining.  While still lying prone among the charred logs, I spotted the reassuring wink of a wireless router at the edge of my vision.  I had missed it, concealed as it was beneath the dazzling blues of a stumpy rhododendron at the edge of the clearing.

I can’t tell you what happened to the owner of this network.  All I know is LinksysHelpMeI’mTrappedInTheBorneoJungle is unsecured and working at speeds of up to 3 mb/s.  For now, I’m just going to write for a while and hope the cable company doesn’t notice it’s no longer getting paid for service.

***

Anyways, on to business.  It was fully my intention to help Tom Huxter christen the Uncomma blog.  Really.  In an alternate, better reality it would have been me smashing a bottle of champagne on the hull of the HMS Uncomma before its maiden voyage into the great unknown.  Then again with my luck the maiden voyage would probably have ended up something like this (That is, top heavy and without the weighty ballast of actual ideas).  So maybe it’s ok that here in our dimension I end up being the guy who shows up three hours after the ship has left, and falls into the harbor.  And by the way, where’d this empty champagne bottle come from?

Confession time: I like writing, but I can’t promise I’ll always be readily available to clumsily spill my thoughts all over the Internet; after all, I am on a mission.  This jungle has got to be good for something.

Now, bear with me.  There’s got to be a three-pronged outlet around here somewhere…

***

Next time… I stick my hand into a random grab bag of uninspired topics and complain about whichever one comes out.

05
Sep
09

Ikea and New York Times go at it.

Thousands of citizens gathered in protest recently over an outrage caused by Ikea.  A throng, led by an apparent reporter for the New York Times, trashed every branch of Ikea over a recently released catalog.

The unsightly catalog deviated so much from the original for the world-wide Ikea fans that it was nearly undecipherable.  When asked about the new change one protester exclaimed, “This is an outrage!  I feel like I had my heart gouged out by a 100-ton behemoth called Ikea from Sweden.”  The same protester shouted further obscenities then began to scream, “Go home Ikea!  USA!  USA!”  This humble writer would sadly like to admit that the said protester was myself for the reason of lack of actual available interviewees.

However, here’s the actual misdeed committed by Ikea.  Article here.

So, folks, say good bye to dear Futura and say hello to Verdana.  This is a clear sign that Ikea will soon be overtaken by Microsoft’s mighty might and that future awesome movies will also be following the mighty epic lord nameth Verdana.  Your humble writer would like to emphasize that however tortured I may be I shall never deviate myself from this plight and will always continue using Wingding when typing my articles.

I believe that the lesson we should all take with us is that whether one uses font A or font B or the Chopstick font mentioned from one of my earlier posts, you will only be severely punished by God if you switch to Verdana from Futura.  Just imagine…  the horrors we might have to face in the near futura.

04
Sep
09

I can’t think of a better way to celebrate Labor Day…

This Labor Day will be a blast.  Labor Day 2009!!! Woooh!!!  Highest unemployment rate in 26 years!!! Yeay!!!  I think we are gasping for joy at the awesome news we have today.  Not only have we come to the nadir of nadir in labor history but I cannot possibly consider a worse scenario than what is at the moment.  This, of course, means only one thing.  The worst of worst is finally over.  (This is where I pop open a champagne bottle.)  If Fuura Kafuka were here, (pretend the previous posting counts as her presence) she would state thus.  “There can’t possibly be so many people looking for work, that only happens on television.”  Yes, Fuura, such fantasy only exists in imaginary land where fairies dwell and trolls do the b-boy dance.

Happy Labor Day, everyone!

May your applications be accepted.

03
Sep
09

This is what I actually do with my time.

Just an fyi to the audience coming from your humble writer, I’m currently studying for the LSAT’s.  Of course, what culminates from this is utter boredom and pure misery.  The outcome is this picture which I drew for no apparent raisin.

Fuura Kafuka

Fuura Kafuka

I can’t draw, so her eyes are a bit off.

However, since she is supposed to be super positive (in the anime which I shall not mention,) I’m sure she’ll understand.  I mean she is named after Franz Kafka for gosh sakes.

Don’t even ask me about the other images you see on this sheet of paper.